Some men won't ask for directions, even if they're lost: Thoughts on changing culture
Why we over-simplify
Rules make living simpler. After all, life (and emotion) is really complex. So it’s easier just follow ‘black and white’ axioms, one-liners and cliches. At least they explain life’s chaos. If I lose my job “O well, that’s life” (which eventually will conclude with) “life sucks”. If I feel uncomfortable at say, a funeral, then I’ll declare “I don’t do funerals. Period.” These are drastic examples, but we all use ‘black and white’ thinking to some extent, to compensate for uncertainty and/or a felt lack of safety. The issue here is when we do it all the time, since it’s in this very uncertainty and chaos that we can also find learning, growth - challenge, new possibility, forgiveness, self-discovery and dare I say intimacy.
I’m not suggesting that ridding our minds entirely of these axioms and one-liners is easy. It can take a lifetime. And often our beliefs about the world, others and ourselves are deeply established in our upbringing. However, there’s a couple of poisonous axioms that I’ve noticed in our culture. Let’s abolish those.
I don’t need help
What interests me about this idea is how often it’s based in a belief/axiom rather than in reality. Responding to this, I’d normally ask “what would it be like to need help?” Then comes the deeper meaning of the idea... ‘To need help is to be weak. To need help is to have failed. It’s not what men do. To need help means giving up.’
So, what makes us think that? In other words, who told us that needing help is the same as failing? Perhaps we’re all responsible. At least in so far as we build the culture we live in. I’d also like to suggest that in reality, admitting our need for others is not only true, its heroic! Knowing they need others is a sign that a person is ready to look right at the uncertainty, the chaos and the weakness within themselves. And choosing to go that step further. Choosing to be real about their own limitations. It’s not failing. It’s progress in the journey towards intimacy and true strength. And it’s based in what is true. We all need help in life. Failing is something else entirely.
Emotionality is weakness
No its not. Its vulnerability. And what’s bad about that? Certainly there are times in life when being vulnerable is unhelpful - what if you were trying to meet a deadline for a project, or fighting a tiger. But we know that life isn’t always threats, deadlines and battles. And therefore, a constant facade of strength… simply isn’t needed. Many men believe that the argument I’m presenting would require them to change who they are - to become more sensitive, eat more yogurt and listen to ‘Evanescence’ so to speak. Not at all. My image of an emotionally integrated man doesn’t have to look like this. It starts with simpler traits of approachability, good listening skills, willingness to grow and learn, and an appreciation of/respect for beauty. If these things are vulnerability, then I’m in!
What we can do to contribute to this culture shift? Perhaps it doesn’t start with criticizing the negatives (as I’ve done above). Perhaps a more effective approach is in affirming the positives when they occur. This is especially true for men who appear closed off. “Hey good on you for getting help”; “You don’t talk much about your past, but I appreciate the times you have. Thanks for that.” ; "It's good that you can see the bigger picture here, and not just the surface level stuff." Let’s make these axioms the norm.
O and by the way, yogurt's great.